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Adapted from http://www.johnson263.freeserve.co.uk/tv.main.htm

Episode 1 - Welcome to Royston Vasey

Benjamin Denton arrives in Royston Vasey by train, and is taken to his Uncle's house by Bab's cabs. During the journey he is told about Barbara's desire to become a woman and her upcoming sex change operation. His Uncle Harvey and Auntie Val welcome him and proceed to tell him the house rules for his one night stay before he goes on his walking holiday with his friend Martin Lee.

While Benjamin is being lectured about the dangers of a popular male past-time, his friend Martin Lee has arrived in Royston Vasey by  road where he notices the Local Shop. As he tries to explain what he wants to Tubs, Edward enters demanding to know what is going on. They soon deal with the 'stranger' and then the local policeman sent to shed some light on Martin's whereabouts.

Having had a bucket of offal thrown over their feet by the local butcher en route to work, Brian, Mike and Geoff are on their way for a liquid lunch when Mike decides to regale Geoff with one of his many jokes which, like all the others, sails merrily over Geoff's curly head. Later that night, whilst enjoying a meal in the town's Indian restaurant, such is Geoff's ire at Brian's seeming inability to tell a joke the way it should be told that he pulls a gun and threatens to shoot Mike unless Brian finishes the joke and makes everyone laugh. Luckily for Mike, as Brian has an appalling memory, he remembers the punchline, despite the pistol held to his head, which cheers Geoff, although he's a little miffed that Mike had already heard the joke, and everyone resumes their business as if holding one's friend at gunpoint over such trivialities is an everyday occurrence in Royston Vasey.

Back at the Job Centre, bumptious Restart officer Pauline Campbell-Jones is boosting the confidence of her jobseekers by pointing out how worthless and pathetic they are, before narrowing their available job options down to those of babysitter and bramble picker. The pitiful, moronic Mickey faces the dilemma of whether to attend the job interview he's always dreamed of and finally been called for, or bow to the pressure imposed on him by Pauline to complete his mandatory back-to-work course, unless he wants her to stop his benefit. Both claims.

On the outskirts of town, we meet Matthew Chinnery, Royston Vasey's charming yet inept vet, as he arrives at Farmer Tinsel's holding to put one of his dogs to sleep. The emotional farmer leaves Mr Chinnery alone for a few minutes, so the vet seizes his opportunity to gently end the suffering of the lively young collie by the fire. As she slips away peacefully, the farmer struggles into the room, carrying an obviously tumour-ridden mongrel, the one in need of medical intervention. Unfortunately, as is generally the case, Chinnery has some 'rather upsetting news' for Mr Tinsel…

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Episode 2 - The Road to Royston Vasey

Ah, poor Mr Chinnery. Not content with needlessly slaying one dog, he somehow manages to get the lead of a young spaniel tangled round the frame of his bicycle, cycling away in blissful ignorance, dragging the poor mutt behind him until it too meets its sorry demise. Not even a pack of fox hounds chasing the dismembered and bloody remains, as he rides about his daily business, can alert him to this latest misdemeanour.

Meanwhile, up on the hill road, Mr Wint and Mr Kidd, surveyors plotting the route of the impending new road for Royston Vasey discover that the local shop lies directly in the way of progress. Confident that the owners will be amenable to its demolition, they venture inside, where they encounter a particularly affronted Tubbs and Edward, whose solution to the problem of NewRoad is to strip both the road men and Tubbs naked, bind and daub the intruders in tar and perform a paganistic ritual resembling the dance of the seven veils, before finally running them out of town, Edward in hot pursuit wielding a crossbow…

Oblivious to these somewhat routine events of this locale, back at the Dentons', our hero Ben is being dragged from his slumber via the whisking away of his duvet by the effervescent Auntie Val. Coiled vulnerably on the sofa in his semi-naked state, he is sprayed with disinfectant and inspected by Uncle Harvey to disclose any signs of unpleasant sexual deviance. Later that day, having still been unable to make contact with the deceased Martin, Ben slips out to the telephone box for another attempt. Unfortunately, the unsuspecting lad arrives back at his relatives' just seconds after the 8.15pm curfew, to find himself on the wrong side of the 15-strong bolted and chained door, as his remorseless Uncle and Aunt retire to the sitting room, leaving him stranded outside.

Up bright and early for her daily duties as opulent Judee Levenson's drudge, Iris Krell snatches a cigarette from her toddler son and leaves her children urinating on the council estate where she lives. Whilst preparing her employer's clothes for yet another, imminent foreign holiday, she takes great pride in regaling the uneasy Mrs Levenson with graphic details of her lively sex life before scorching her most expensive nightie with an over-hot iron.

In the High Street, teenage lads Ally and Henry peruse the shelves of the Video Vault in an attempt to find a title they haven't already seen and that isn't in black and white. Henry's suggestion of 'Seven' is met with disdain from Ally, his argument being that there aren't enough killings and too much acting in it. In its defence, Henry runs through the murders in detail, but somehow they shift from the seven deadly sins to the seven dwarfs, although neither youth has the savvy to notice this. A few doors along at the shop of Hilary Briss, Royston Vasey's butcher, the proprietor is discussing the latest delivery of his addictive and illicit wares with local councillor Samuel. We don't know what it is exactly, but as Samuel puts it, "I know it's wrong, it just tastes so good".

As an exercise in sales technique, Pauline has decided that her merry band of jobseekers should try their hand at selling The Big Issue. Selecting Ross as her guinea pig in this scenario, she's at her most obstreperous, dismissing his continued pedestrian attempts at sales patter until, in a crescendo of frustration, she implores him to beg her to buy a copy. Ross, quite rationally, refuses, only to be rewarded with a smart swipe around the cranium for his level-headedness.

Across town, we meet the pitiable Les McQueen at home in his kitsch 70s-style abode, where he invokes a feeling of embarrassed awkwardness in one of his son's friends by regaling him with an anecdote of how his band, Crème Brulee, once made it to the Eurovision Heats, in the same year as Buck's Fizz. When the friend fails to depart with the cassette of demos foisted upon him, dejected Les shambles from the room, muttering what a shit business it was anyway…

More father and son discord in the warehouse of Italian newsagent Pop. Delighted to see his two sons and bursting with exciting news of a prospective takeover of a local key-cutting cubicle which could be transformed into a newsbooth for his younger son, Richie, he is devastated and irate to discover that the youngster has committed a heinous error of judgement. Whilst minding successful elder brother Al's booth, he turned his back for a moment, only to find when he turned back that some boys had stolen all the Maverick bars. Nine of them. Spared from a whipping by the quick action of Al, he is left sobbing like a baby as his father slopes out, denouncing this useless excuse for a son.

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Episode 3 - Nightmare in Royston Vasey

They never learn, do they? This episode opens as another ill-fated road man makes a perilous pilgrimage into Tubbs and Edward's shop. This one's lucky; he escapes with only the relatively superficial damage of ruptured eardrums caused by Tubbs'
banshee screams at her discovery that the horizon extends beyond Royston Vasey. Devastated yet excited by this revelation, she challenges Edward's explanation that he was protecting her from the outside world and makes the flagrant suggestion that
they might leave the insular confines of the shop and visit 'places'. This pushes Edward to the limit and he stomps off, spade in hand, to put paid to NewRoad once and for all.

Back in town, at the veterinary surgery, Mr Chinnery is treating a particularly slothful anaemic tortoise with a blast of compressed air. "We can afford to be quite bold" he informs its elderly owner, urging her to increase the pressure until - oh dear oh dear - the poor chelonian is forcefully evacuated from both its shell and its mortal coil in one fell swoop. Down the road, Hilary Briss is trying to interest Morris Jeffries in his latest delectable delivery, but the magistrate resists. That is until, during a lunchtime game of snooker, Briss plonks a fleshy package in the middle of the baize, leaving poor, meek Morris no option but to take it. Gratis.

It's breakfast time on the Swanmills Estate and Harvey and Val Denton have been waiting stoically at the dining table since 6.15am for their errant nephew to join them. He eventually bounces in at a quarter past nine, full of beans, to be graphically subjected to his relatives' rather quaint daily routine of drinking their own urine. (Oh, but it's full of nitrates and enzymes, an aid to digestion and so good for the skin!) When Ben declines Uncle Harvey's invitation to micturate into the proffered pint pot himself, the incredulous, repulsed lad finds himself in the full-frontal firing line as he endeavours to catch Harvey's own stream in the glass, before his uncle frenetically downs the amber liquid in one large gulp.

Over at the job centre, today's topic is interview technique. After singling out Mickey as an example of how not to conduct oneself at a hypothetical interview for a job shoving trolleys round Asda car park, Pauline makes the grave error of deciding to demonstrate herself how it should be done properly. She attempts to impress with her decorum and over-enthusiasm, but is no match for the sly, conniving 'interviewer' Ross, who revels in humiliating Pauline with his dry asides and intrusive questioning. After informing her that she's failed this simplest of interviews for being a bully, foul-mouthed and - horror - too old, he meets his comeuppance in grand style as Pauline damn near separates his head from his shoulders with a belting upward blow to the chin from her clipboard. As he opens his mouth to scream in pain, she hysterically rams the notes he'd taken down his throat. He'll eat his words. Oh yes.

Down at the pub, Mike has some exciting news for his friends: he's getting married. Geoff, perturbed that he doesn't appear to be the immediate choice as best man, attempts to scupper his friend's chances by announcing that Brian said Mike's fiancee, Cheryl, looks like a moose. Uncomfortably, Brian points out that it was in fact Geoff who said it, although the latter hotly contests this, explaining that he merely said she looked about a hundred years old. Mike storms out, leaving a bewildered Geoff and despairing Brian in his wake. Never one to experience the penny dropping, Geoff heads off in blissful oblivion in the direction of the joke shop to pick up a little something for Mike's stag night. Creepy Lance, the lewd proprietor, having just appalled his previous customer with his bizarre and inappropriately dangerous wares before electrocuting him, is only too pleased to sell the crass Geoff a totally inapt gadget. Geoff, delighted with his present, tracks Mike to the works toilets, where, after ascertaining that Brian isn't also in the cubicle, grovels and badgers his friend until he resignedly agrees that Geoff can be his best man. Geoff gleefully reveals his gift to Mike - a delightful object which, on insertion of one's hand, administers an electric shock to its victim.

Oblivious to the dazed and terrified old lady suck on the roof of the church porch, Bernice Woodall, Royston Vasey's objectionable lady vicar, is delivering her unique line in liturgy. Welcoming the new road with open arms, she begs the almighty
that it won't attract the attentions of those evil soap-dodging road protesters, with their abhorrent body piercings. No doubt, she speculates, they would even have their backsides pierced, were they to able to fit them into the machine.

At the road site, all is definitely not well. Not only is there a hellish storm raging, but something grisly has been discovered by one of the diggers. Slowly, steadily, it is winched up from the mud, and in a spine-chilling flash of lightning, we are afforded the gruesome spectacle of a crucified, terrifying beast nailed to a cross. However, in the ensuing confusion, no-one spots Edward cackling maniacally in the shadows….

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Episode 4 - The Beast of Royston Vasey

Up on the hill by the shop, a delighted Edward regards the chaos at the road site. Oh yes, the plan to destroy NewRoad worked beautifully! All progress has ground to a halt whilst a full inquiry is held and who better to conduct an autopsy on this alien being than the competent Mr Chinnery? After initially vomiting down the inside of his contamination suit, he regains his composure and proceeds to examine the monstrous basilisk in meticulous detail, failing to notice, until it is pointed out to him, that it is in fact an amalgamation of the decimated remains of the pig, goat and chimp which mysteriously disappeared from the Roundabout Zoo the previous day. With this revelation made and Chinnery looking suitably sheepish, everyone gets back to work, much to Edward's chagrin.

Meanwhile, at the rec., Mr Foot, desperate for someone to talk to, is unwittingly insulting a blind man. Oblivious to the fact that his suggestion that, with the advances of modern technology, the fellow might one day be lucky enough to undergo surgery giving him the gift of sight, albeit at the expense of reducing him to nothing more than a brain with an eye on a stalk, is met with some animosity, he is perplexed when the chap makes a swift exit as soon as he turns his back.

It's an eventful day for the schoolchildren of Royston Vasey. Not only are they graced with Bernice Woodall's caustically delivered sermon committing them to eternal damnation via a burning second death, but they are also to receive a visitation of a different kind (although no less painful.) Yes, Legz Akimbo theatre in education group are in school to raise awareness of the issues surrounding homosexuality. As a preliminary, the guys have a little introductory banter in class to set the tone. Unfortunately, sparked by fellow actor Dave's untimely discovery of Phil's sexual preferences, frontman Ollie Plimsolls launches into an impassioned and unseemly tirade about the horrors of relationships, culminating with the conclusion that, whilst gays might be just normal, healthy guys, dykes are evil. But then, bless him, he has just been dumped by his wife of eight years in favour of a pipe-smoking female Geoff Capes, who is apparently more of a man than he'll ever be.

The tension is still riding high later in the day when Legz Akimbo perform their production, 'Everybody Out!', through the media of drama and dance, interspersed with Ollie's emotionally unstable outbursts. The performance blunders along, totally bewildering the young audience, until Ollie's rising venom can be controlled no longer and he launches into a scathing attack on Phil, a rant about his own dedication to the theatre in education cause and ultimately, a sickening revelation that not only have his fellow players just walked out of his group, but that it's personal; they just can't stand him.

Out in Farmer Tinsel's Ten Acre field, young Chloe and Radclyffe Denton, identical twin daughters of Auntie Val and Uncle Harvey, are paying a visit to the scarecrow. Observing how shapeless his head has become, they punch it back into form, as the farmer strides over to send them packing. Taking pity on the dishevelled mannequin, Mr Tinsel removes the bag from its head, allowing the sore-ridden Andrew Ward inside to gasp laboured breaths as he begs to be released. No such luck - he's only been there three weeks. He can, however, have some time with the bag off, provided he doesn't scream. The farmer's got his gun…Relieved, Ward sees the two girls coming back, but instead of helping him, they simply replace the bag as he whimpers into submission. You see, he's their special friend and he wouldn't be if he went away….

Wednesday…Time for another of the Dentons' little foibles. This is the day they wear specially adapted spiked slippers resembling lawn aerators around the house. These help to restore the weft of the carpet, explains Harvey, gliding round the room like a figure skater to demonstrate. Benjamin obligingly dons his pair whilst left on babysitting duty for his cousins. After his insistence that they go to bed is met with first blackmail, then screams, he reluctantly agrees to play a game. Blindfolded, he doesn't realise that this particular version of piggy in the middle involves the use of live, prize-winning toads in place of a ball. Until, that is, Radclyffe's aim is a little off and Sonny, Uncle Harvey's pride and joy, lands atop the electric fire where he meets a molten end, dripping down through the bars in an oozing mess. Right on cue, Val and Harvey arrive home to find Benjamin alone in the havoc of the front room with the melted toad on the fire. Poor Ben; things couldn't get any worse, could they? Unless, of course, he was to stand his spiky-soled weight onto Cher, completing the massacre…

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Episode 5 - Love Comes To Royston Vasey

It's a sad day in the Denton household, as the sombre cortege of Uncle Harvey, Ben and Chloe and Radclyffe, carrying two tiny caskets make their way down the back garden to Sonny and Cher's freshly dug graves. As Auntie Val plays a passionate graveside lament on the cello, Ben looks suitably contrite, unaware of the further delights the day holds in store for him. Later, still trying to find a way to get out of Royston Vasey, he 'phones Barbara to book a taxi. Unfortunately, she misconstrues his call as being a response to her newly-placed lonely hearts ad., drives up to the deserted hillside and attempts to seduce the confused lad. Thankfully, he manages to wriggle his way out of the situation, but finds himself stranded on the dark moor as the taxi drives off and abandons him.

In the back room of the pub, preparations are under way for Mike and Cheryl's wedding reception. Les wanders aimlessly in and finds a member of tonight's band tuning up. Desperate to impress, he begins to regale the young lad with several of his music biz anecdotes until, when news comes that the rhythm guitarist can't make it tonight, he over-enthusiastically urges the chap to allow him to step into the breach. Rejected once again, he shuffles dejectedly away. But then , it's a shit business anyway; he's better off out of it.

Meanwhile, at the church, Mike and Cheryl have just tied the knot and everyone poses on the steps for photographs. Unfortunately, the bargain photographer Geoff booked is blind, so they don't turn out quite as desired. The one of the wheelie bin's quite good, though. The newlyweds head off for the reception in Barbara's taxi, oblivious to the crude arrangement of inflatable dolls tied to the rear bumper by Geoff…

Up the road, Ally and Henry are having fun in the cinema. Having managed to get themselves into the wrong film, they proceed to ruin the enjoyment of the arty gentleman in front of them by inundating him with inane questions, making lewd comments and finally bouncing popcorn off his bald head.

Somewhere in the hills, a party has gathered for a tour of the local Stump Hole Cavern. Led by the disturbed and depressed guide, Mick, they learn about the cave's history; its use in a Doctor Who adventure, its visit from the Chuckle Brothers, the reconstruction by the 999 team of the untimely death of a young boy on his school outing. Of course, the tragedy wasn't Mick's fault, although he was blamed, and the nightmares aren't so bad as long as he sleeps with the lights on.

Back at the wedding reception, Mr Foot's at it again. This time his helpless victim is Simon, a wheelchair-bound young man. Not content with forgetting the fellow's name and who he is, Foot blunders through his monologue, implying that the chap is incontinent, he couldn't possibly have a girlfriend and ending with the blinding observation that although any child he might have would be deformed, well, there's always abortion…

More tact and timing at the wedding breakfast, this time courtesy of Geoff. As he delivers his best man's speech, all his jealousy, resentment and bitterness comes flooding out and he lays into Mike, his best friend turned boss, for always having been more successful than him. Not to mention the time Mike slept with his fiancee. But it hasn't all been bad news for Geoff. In 1987, both his and Mike's mums got ill around the same time. Sadly Mike's died, but Geoff's survived, so at least he won that one. However, this is cold comfort to Geoff who is so well away that it isn't long before he pulls his gun again, this time on Brian. But come on, he did steal Geoff's wife, Katie. Still, you know Geoff, he always bounces back and it's only a few moments before he's merrily leading a toast to the happy couple.

Later that night, there's a desperate tapping at the butcher's shop door. A sleepy Mr Briss finds Maurice on the doorstep, pleading for a little something. He's changed his tune...and he's...hungry…Just this once, agrees Hilary, opening the freezer, he'll do him a favour…

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Episode 6 - Escape From Royston Vasey

Another young man enters the local shop and spends some time browsing before Tubbs slips in through the curtain. He wants to buy everything in the shop, he tells her, totally flummoxing the poor woman. Surprised that she doesn't recognise the name on his credit card, he explains; "It's me, Mum, David." By the time Edward appears, the penny's finally dropped, although Edward denounces his son and is apoplectic when he announces that the construction company he runs is none other than the one building NewRoad. David's invitation for his parents to spend the weekend with him in London might be sufficient bribery where Tubbs is concerned, but his father's having none of it and stomps out.

Meanwhile, at the Dentons', Benjamin is by no means off the hook over his little misadventure. Having failed to escape with the twins on their school trip, he is obliged to receive his absolution through being chaperoned to the bathroom by Val and Harvey where he must clean the toilet brush until it gleams. And when it gleams, he must, of course, clean the brush with which he has been cleaning it. And so on, for a dirty brush is a useless brush. There's a cupboardful to get through. Poor Ben, pushed to breaking point, throws a tantrum and destroys the horrified Dentons' sanctity by not only jumbling up the scissors, but suggesting that he might dry his hands on the white towel instead of the brown one. Oh, the horror!

At the Job Centre, the relieved jobseekers have come to the end of their restart programme. Mickey has a little present for Pauline - a pen she can wear round her neck on a string. Ross has a little surprise for Pauline, too; he works for Social Services and he's been monitoring her working methods. He's not impressed. What's more, she's sacked. Poor thing, she didn't mean to be so foul-mouthed and rude. The ultimate blow is yet to come, however; she can't keep her pens. As she tries to wrestle them from Ross' grip, the box upends its contents over the floor and Pauline falls to her knees, sobbing pathetically as she scoops them up, everyone stepping over them as they leave. Not even her half-hearted threat of reporting Ross for working and signing on can save her - she's the one who's unemployed now.

Up at Mr Tinsel's farm, a group of children are about to witness the miracle of birth courtesy of Monica the cow, aided by Mr Chinnery. It's a difficult labour and so the vet will gently assist by pulling the calf out. No, children, of course he hasn't got his arm up the cow's bottom; it's the 'other' passage. See, here're its little hooves now…Just pull, and…No, no, that's not offal, it's just the birth sack. In a few moments the little calf will stagger to its feet and begin to lick it all off…Oops…As the eviscerated cow drops like a stone, there's more rather upsetting news for poor Farmer Tinsel…

It's a busy day for Mr Chinnery. Today's the day that Barbara's having her much-heralded operation. As she's woozily wheeled down to the operating theatre, news comes that Dr Mekos has been hurt in a skiing accident, but luckily, another doctor has kindly offered to step in. She'll be in good hands, oh yes, as the vet looms into view, complete with garden shears and a totally bemused expression…

Time for the evening service, and our compassionate lady vicar, Bernice, is sharing her views on the disabled. Why do they have to have six parking bays at Safeway? There's nothing in the Bible about that. She only parked there for five minutes to stock up on booze and got her car clamped for her troubles. It's not right.

Down in the Indian restaurant, Mike, Geoff and Brian are celebrating Geoff's birthday. Well, Geoff is, since Mike and Brian have obviously forgotten. Brian's busy boring everyone with a work-related story until Geoff, unable to bear not being the centre of attention a moment longer, produces paper hats for them all to wear. After establishing that he's only 40, and not as old as the other two would like to believe, he slips off to the toilet. Chuckling, Mike waves all the surprise party guests in, pleased that the plan worked and Geoff really thinks no-one remembered, before he spots a note on the table. It's from Geoff - a suicide note. They always knew he had that gun, reads Mike, as a shot rings out from the gents'. Rushing to the scene, they find blood everywhere and Geoff laid in the middle of it. As Mike breaks down in tears, the deceased Geoff opens his eyes, sits up and laughs himself silly. He had them going, didn't he? Poor thing, he just doesn't understand why they can't see the joke.

Back at the local shop, Tubbs is packed and ready to go. She's leaving Edward; off with David to London. Little does she know that Edward 'spoke' to David earlier and they're going nowhere. As Tubbs trots delightedly down the path to her waiting son, he turns to reveal a newly-upturned nose and goes to join his gleeful father. Poor tearful Tubbs lumbers off up the road and sits down desolately on the verge. Further along the lane, Ben struggles up the hillside having finally escaped the clutches of his relatives. He's looking for refreshment for the journey and when he stumbles across someone who looks like they know the area, he asks directions to the nearest shop. "Come on, I'll show you" says Tubbs, ominously leading him back to where she came from…

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