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Adapted from http://www.johnson263.freeserve.co.uk/tv.main.htm

Episode 1 - Destination: Royston Vasey

It's night time and something is stirring outside the Local Shop as horses hooves clatter along the track. Meanwhile, in the High Street, the emergency services grind to a halt as the cantankerous charity shop volunteer Vinnie inches along on her motorised scooter…

At the Dentons', Val is despondent. Keen to help her snap out of this strange mood, Harvey presents her with a sinkful of coal to wash, but Chloe and Radclyffe know the cause of their mother's misery; she's missing Benjamin and really wishes she'd had a son…as well as daughters. Still, no time to wallow in this misery as Harvey has had a special delivery today. A new toad to add to his collection. A Columbian Natterjack, also known as the Devil's Toad, rumoured in legend to posess magical powers. If only it could conjure up a self-lowering toilet seat for its master, Harvey wouldn't have to go through all that rigmarole with rubber gloves and tweezers every time he makes toilet.

Meanwhile, the funfair has come to town in the form of Papa Lazarou and his Pandemonium Carnival. Hoping for some publicity, he sends three of his diminutive minions into the Local Shop to put up a poster. A sleepy Tubbs stumbles into the Shop and sees…children! Oh, she's so happy! Until Edward points out that they are in fact monstrous freaks and swiftly ushers them out of the door. Tubbs wonders if they should give their son David respite from his confinement in the attic and take him along to see the freak show, but Edward advises against it. After all, they wouldn't want him to scare people…

Down at the fairground, the setting up is under way. Barbara, despondent after the failure of her sex change operation, enquires after a job, but, despite having a more realistic beard than the bearded lady, even she is too grotesque for the circus. Papa Lazarou, with Mama in tow, sets off towards town to sell some pegs, but first they have to make a stop. Knocking on the door of a startled housewife, Lazarou informs her that his wife would like to use her toilet. Hesitant at first, she soon becomes amenable once the strange man forces the front door open and swaggers into her sitting room. Or is it plain terror? As Mama advises, it's better to go along with his orders, bizarre though they may be, as he can do things…Poor lady, she has no choice and, after surrendering her wedding ring, is led away to become Papa Lazarou's latest addition to his already packed cage full of wives.

At the Job Centre, Pauline arrives to greet the new intake of Jobseekers. Only this time, she's one of the dole scum herself. Her successor, Cathy Carter-Smith, is a real force to be reckoned with and suddenly Mickey realises just how well off he was when Pauline was running the ship. But Pauline can hold her own, and comes off only slightly worse in the battle of wills. As she turns to leave, Mickey leaps onto his desk in a display of solidarity, leaving the overbearing and grotesque Ms Carter-Smith floundering .

To console themselves, Mickey and Pauline head for the fair, where we discover that the Denton twins know more than is appropriate about the giant's body measurements and where Mr Chinnery is busy having a little mishap on the win-a-goldfish stall. Meanwhile, Papa Lazarou is demonstrating his spiritual powers on the hapless Annie Raynes. Bamboozling her into believing he has been posessed with the spirit of her late husband George, he takes her wedding ring and ushers her through to the back of the big top. Well, she won't be needing it any more. She's his wife now. As he returns to thrill the audience with the circus' bird child, he is aghast to find that the whole audience is suffering from a synchronised nosebleed. Too frightening even for this band of weirdos, the circus troupe up and flee Royston Vasey.

Meanwhile, back at the Dentons, Harvey has just finished making toilet when - horror - the toilet seat begins to lower itself! Terrified, he runs downstairs to find Val, Devil's Toad in hand, making a wish. At that moment, there's a knock at the door - Val's wish has come true! Benjamin has come back! But he's much the worse for wear, coated in mud and sporting some very strange apparel. As he collapses onto the lovely carpet, a single word escapes from his lips; 'lo…cal'….

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Episode 2 - Lust For Royston Vasey

A coach party of German exchange students are on their way to Royston Vasey, led by the lecherous Herr Lipp. Not content with his suggestive pidgin English, he contrives a swerve by the driver and throws himself into the lap of young Dieter, lingering a little too long before picking himself up. On arrival in the town, the teacher is distraught to find that his host 'Bobby', who he assumed to be another young lad ripe for the picking, is in fact female and middle aged. His disappointment soon evaporates, however, on discovering that he is to share a room with Bobbie's rather handsome teenage son…

As the unexplained nosebleed epidemic continues in Royston Vasey, clogging up the hospital emergency department, one poor patient, Mr Bamford, awaits the results of his tests. However, the doctors aren't keen to reveal them, preferring instead to describe his life expectancy in terms of film storylines. Terms of Endearment? Beaches? Get the picture? Yes, he's going to die. Before the autumn repeat.

Up on the moors, the poor fellow who had to suffer Ally and Henry in the cinema is enduring a quiet spot of landscape painting with his mother. Anxious for a respite, he makes his way to the Local Shop in search of a can of Coke. Trying to extricate himself from Tubbs' accusations that he wants to paint her naked, he explains that he and his mother have merely come to capture the sun. Unfortunately the son he ends up being captured by is a little less aesthetically pleasing.

At the Windermere B&B, Alvin Steele is busy regaling his guests with an anecdote about Robin Hood when his domineering wife Sunny gives him orders to go to the shops in preparation for the imminent 'function'. Obligingly he trails off in search of copious quantities of nibbles and baby oil, returning to participate with reluctance and misery as a most un-swinging swinger. Still, on the plus side, it means there are some new faces to whom he can recount his anecdote…

Meanwhile, Uncle Harvey and Auntie Val are somewhat nonplussed that their nephew appears to have become akin to a zombie. This requires drastic action - he must be taught the house rules afresh! This time, however, mere rhymes are not enough - physical emphasis is the key, and the whole family rallies round to, quite literally, knock the point home.

Good news for Pauline and Mickey. They've landed jobs in the local fast food joint. A bit demeaning for Pauline, yet Mickey is delighted with his new vocation, especially as he has an unlimited supply of apple pies on tap. However, things are about to turn pear shaped as Ross unwittingly enters the shop. Pauline seizes her opportunity for revenge by adding a few little garnishes of her own to his vegeburger, unaware of the video surveillance camera looking down on her…

Pop is on a quest. A quest to get his one son Al married off. Seemingly so that he can have his wicked way with his new daughter-in-law, never mind his poor son's feelings, or the girl's, for that matter. Fawning over and molesting Al's long-awaited but distressed new love interest, Patricia, he orders his son out of the room on a trivial errand so that he can step-up his lechery. As she flees in tearful disgust, Pop comforts the sobbing Al with the cheering thought that they can still watch their favourite porn film together, just like in the old days.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Mr Chinnery is attending to one of his elderly customers and his little reptilian pet who's off his food. An initial diagnosis suggests an easy condition to treat, not dissimilar to gingivitis, which just requires a little buffing away with an electric toothbrush-type gadget. Distracted by what appear to be some impacted teeth, Chinnery puts down the tool, not noticing it vibrating towards Mr Hart's garden pond. As it topples into the water, electrocuting the old man's entire stock of Koi Carp, Chinnery realises his mistake. Still, there are plenty more fish in the sea, he offers, encouragingly…

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Episode 3 - A Plague on Royston Vasey

Life trundles along as usual in Royston Vasey; at a funeral, Bernice flirts with the grave digger, whilst in the High Street, Hilary Briss frightens local youngsters with some sheep's eyes before popping them into his mouth, and Pop sells a rather unusual fetishist magazine to a seemingly innocuous man, who then proceeds to the town's dating agency. Poor Iain, hoping to find a new partner, instead finds himself subjected to the sweet but tactless Olive's interrogative manner, until, dismissed and disgraced, he sidles away.

At the Local Shop, Tubbs and Edward are having a stock take. After Tubbs' laborious calculations, Edward gleefully notes that not a thing has been sold since the last count. But there's still a problem. They need to find a mate for David if the Shop is to remain in the family. Since David has no sister to marry, unlike his father, they'll just have to look for a no-tail themselves… Perhaps a bear trap on the moors will catch a suitable match, just as long as she's local…

Having been sacked from their jobs at Burger Me, Pauline and Mickey are back at the job centre. To Pauline's indignation, Ross has taken over her old office and is now questioning her about the dismissal. For one tiny moment, it appears Ross has had a change of heart as he offers to put in an appeal on Pauline's behalf, but no; it's just another of his devious little schemes to humiliate her. As he swaggers off smugly, the incensed Pauline attacks him and a fight ensues, pens drawn, hair flying, teeth champing, until Mickey lumbers to Pauline's aid. Having sellotaped her adversary to a chair, Pauline barricades the doorway and begins a bid to get herself reinstated. Enlisting the help of a passing young cyclist, she states her demands; her job back, a big box of pens and a fire engine (for Mickey). As the bewildered, deaf youngster pedals off, something suggests it's going to be a long wait…

Back in the High Street, Ally and Henry are pursuing their favourite pastime - choosing a video. As Henry vainly tries to explain his misunderstood interpretation of the theme of the film Richard III, Ally is more concerned about whether or not it would beat Predator in terms of killings. It would. And they're more graphic. They'll rent it then. Meanwhile, Pop is busy showing a couple of prospective tenants around one of his flats. Ignoring the young woman, he proceeds to intimidate the weak-willed Gary into signing the contract. After all, the lad doesn't want people to think he isn't a real man, who can't make his own decisions, does he? And after all, they did have a verbal agreement. Absence of central heating or not, he will be a man and sign the form. It's only a year's lease, after all.

At the hospital, Les, between regaling the secure unit with anecdotes from his days in 'the business' and loading soiled laundry into the washing machines, is approached by hospital radio DJ Mike King, offering him the opportunity to stand in for him on tonight's show. Overwhelmed, Les is only too happy to oblige, especially as he has free reign to play whatever he likes. And he likes Crème Brulee. Unfortunately, amidst a mad flurry of nostalgic air guitar-playing, he fails to notice a break-out by the patients. It goes unnoticed by the orderly on duty also, who is far too engrossed in a convoluted card game with the errant DJ, which bewilders, as does every game they play, the young doctor completing their threesome. He might stand a chance of being able to join in, if only they would play something simple, like hangman. Assuming they knew which set of rules they were playing by, of course….

Hilary Briss is hosting a meeting in his parlour with some of the local dignitaries. There's a new delivery due soon. Unfortunately, Morris has missed the point of the secrecy surrounding the special wares, and has turned up with not only his wife Eunice in tow, but also his brother-in-law and children. Enraged, Hilary takes Morris aside, condemns his foolishness and orders him out…Steps will have to be taken….

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Episode 4 - Death in Royston Vasey

Whatever you, do, don't go down to the woods today. There's something funny going on there. In the early hours of morning, Hilary and Morris scuttle through the trees. Hilary's expecting a new delivery and they'd better be quick about it. Morris suddenly realises that being in on Hilary's dealings is maybe not such a good idea after all…

Later that morning, Ben, still a little disorientated from his recent trauma, comes downstairs to find, to his embarrassment, that his uncle and aunt are going about their daily business stark naked! However, he is soon made to feel the odd one out, as his relatives proclaim their love of the au naturel lifestyle and explain that they have a monthly 'nude day'. Of course, being a member of the household now, young Ben should observe their customs also. His protestations fall on deaf ears, as Auntie Val assists with the de-robing. Suddenly, the doorbell rings and, as his relatives make a hasty exit, Ben is left to answer the door. It's the doctor, come to give him his jabs. A little taken aback at the sight before his eyes, he follows Ben into the sitting room, whereupon the aghast and fully clothed Dentons bundle their evidently deranged nephew up the stairs in disgrace. Now, ponders the doctor, if only it were their nude day, he could have understood it…

Geoff, Mike and Brian's day has got off to a less eventful start. So far. On their way to the annual plastics convention, they're party to the customary unsavoury musings of Barbara, still struggling with the downside of being a woman. Geoff throws in his two penneth, but, unfortunately, when the taxi driver said she was virtually back to where she started, she didn't mean a big, fat, hairy man in a dress. Oh dear. It's going to be a long walk to this convention. Still, no need to worry. Geoff used to be in the T.A.s - he can get them there in no time. Just through the woods and over the hill. The stream? Er, no problem. They'll get across without so much as a splash on them. Honestly. Well, OK, so they nearly drown in the process. But they're across. Just as long as they don't miss the cakes….

Back in Royston Vasey, Reenie and Vinnie are up to their old tricks in the charity shop. A clearly distraught Mrs Beasley brings in a bag of baby clothes and toys. They're almost new, but she won't be needing them any more. Emotionally, she hands them over, only to be subjected to a rigorous interrogation by the two old crones as to whether or not the included teddy has a special mark on it. They can't take it without a special mark, oh no; it could kill a kiddie! It might be a death trap! How could she live with herself?! She should take it to a less scrupulous charity shop…But can they keep the bag?

Up at the town hall, Murray, the young council official, is pleading with Mayor Vaughan to keep a civil tongue in his head during his imminent Look North news interview. Known for his colourful language, he politely assures the reporter that there will be an end to the nosebleed epidemic and Murray relaxes. Too soon. As the reporter thanks the mayor, he cheerfully responds with a choice expletive. Oops.

Down the High Street, as Herr Lipp attempts to engage Justin in a game of uncomfortable metaphors, dainty actress Pam Doove is arriving for an audition for Greenwood's orange juice. Greeted by casting director Jed, they run through the advert before Pam does it to camera. Satisfied, she exits, sweeps in and delivers her line. Hmm…it's not quite got the right feel, somehow. Another try?…Still not exactly what they were looking for…One last time, maybe a bit lighter?….Oh dear. It's little wonder that the girl is short of work…not much call for a honey monster/Mary Poppins hybrid…

Across town, Judee is paying an unexpected visit to Iris' flat. Stepping daintily over the kids and cat muck, she drags her cleaner away from a spot of afternoon coital activity to proudly eulogise about her own son Matthew's educational achievements. Mind you, Iris always strove high for her brood, even if they didn't realise her dream; if she hadn't had that stillbirth, she would have spawned an entire football team. After her boss has retired home for an afternoon nap, Iris pops over to do a spot of cleaning and sets the balance straight by reminding Judee about the time when her daughter Nicola's eating disorder reached such dizzying heights that you could have plastered the ceiling with sick…

Ailments of a canine variety have brought Mr Chinnery to the home of Mrs DeCoursey, the affluent owner of Bentley. Unfortunately, Bentley's over-rich and unsuitable diet has given the poor mutt a bowel disorder. Not to worry, though, a quick rectal examination should soon establish the extent of the damage. Or not. Maybe it would have been prudent to prescribe a course of flatulence-relieving medication first. As the poor, stunned old lady prepares to wipe the exploded remains of her beloved pet from her face, furnishings and life, the shamefaced veterinarian makes an inconspicuous exit.

Late evening, and a lone paramedic has ground to halt outside the Local Shop. He's run out of petrol and pleads with Tubbs to let him have just enough to get him underway. After some resistance, she grudgingly agrees and hoists up her skirt. There won't be much though; she's only just been. Still, the man won't be going far, not if Edward has anything to do with it. They can use this strange horseless carriage of his to venture into the outside world in search of the elusive no-tail bride for David. But first Tubbs must produce a little more of her petrol to fill the tank…

In their less than homely flat, Gary and Lin snuggle up in bed together for the night. Suddenly, their peace is shattered, as Pop barges into the room from the kitchen. He's the bringer of bad news. Their rent has been increased by £100. However, as he's such a generous man, he'll call it £90. And they don't even have to pay it until the morning. Mind you, it's not all bad news; Pop's brought them some housewarming gifts; a bull's heart and a dollop of manure. Lovely. Gary's a lucky man to have such a pretty girlfriend. Pop's an even luckier man because he now gets to watch her on the hidden camera he's installed directly opposite the bed…

Things look even more grim in the woods. Still lost and with Brian's leg broken, Mike has gone off to look for help. He's been gone ages and Geoff and Brian are getting worried. Still, Brian's got Geoff to look after him, so he needn't worry. Geoff was good in the T.A.s. He should have stayed in there, not gone into this job that he's no good at. If only he can get to the hotel, preferably with Brian still alive, he'll show them once and for all! Suddenly there's a noise! Spooked, Geoff runs towards the attacker, a stick raised above his head. Nothing's going to get past him, as he rains blows down onto its now lifeless form. Shame he didn't check to see if it was Mike before he killed him though…

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Episode 5 - Anarchy in Royston Vasey

In an attempt to fill all the time he now has on his hands, Les is busy making his own gold disc with a can of spray paint and an old Crème Brulee single. As he lifts the sprayed disc from the protective newspaper beneath, an advert catches his eye. Crème Brulee are playing at the Mason's Arms pub. Today. Without him. Mindless of the exclusion, Les hurries along and watches their set in wide-eyed awe, before approaching frontman Tony Cluedo. Unperturbed by the fact that he doesn't even recognise him, Les persists until finally, the penny drops. Tony explains that the band had a comeback tour planned (they tried to contact him, honest) but the backing fell through. This is the opportunity Les has been waiting for! They can have his redundancy money! They'll all meet up later and jet off to rock'n'roll stardom!

Things aren't looking quite so rosy at the job centre. Pauline's getting fed up with waiting for her pens and Mickey's fire engine. Ross is getting exasperated and hungry and Mickey's eaten all the available paper and is in danger of starting on the pens. Pauline reluctantly agrees to go out and get them some food, leaving Mickey in charge of guarding Ross. Bad idea. When she eventually returns, she finds the room empty, a note from Mickey, apologising for letting Ross go (because he promised to get him a fire engine) and Inspector Cox with Ross in tow, ready to escort her away.

Having made it into the outside world, Tubbs and Edward have staked their pitch in the car park of the local supermarket. Edward activates his plan to catch a no-tail by posing as a war veteran with his arm in a sling. As a passing woman offers to help load his bags of straw into the back of the land rover, Edward prepares to bundle her inside. Poor Tubbs, however, caught up in the excitement, anticipates her cue too soon and whizzes the car forward, leaving a confused woman and perplexed Edward on the kerb. Damn.

Meanwhile, inside the store, detective Chris Frost is showing a new intake of trainees around. As he strides about, delivering a monologue about what makes him such a great and unforgiving security guard, he makes it clear that you simply can't trust the disabled, mothers with prams or, indeed, pregnant women. So what if your rigorous methods cost the lives of their unborn children? If you can save the store a few pounds, it's well worth it. Remember, shoplifters will be prosecuted. But evidently not for nicking cutlery from the staff canteen.

Out in the woods, Geoff and Brian are at a loss for what to do with the dead Mike. Suddenly, Geoff realises the ideal solution - they'll bury him so it looks like a wolf did it! No-one will ever know! As they frantically scrabble at the ground, Mike begins to stir. Brian's relief is evident, but Geoff's not so sure. After all, he was the one who hit him. He's not going to lose his job over this! No way! They could just bury him alive. Mike, however, isn't having any of it and sits bolt upright, dazed. Shocked, Brian and Geoff point out that it was nothing to do with them - wolves did it! Somehow the threesome manage to hobble on to the hotel and burst in, bedraggled, to the conference. Did they miss the cakes?

In the Dentons' spare room, Ben has been given something to sedate him after the nude day incident. However, he's regained his faculties and spits the pill out. Determined to escape, he rummages through the chest of drawers, past the unsent postcard proclaiming he's having such a great time he wants to stay for at least five years, and selects a magazine featuring his relatives posing for the 'Breaders Wives' spread. By devilish use of a coat hanger, he manages to push the key through from the outside, slip it under the door on the magazine, and makes his escape bid. Unfortunately, he wasn't planning on Val and Harvey being outside the door. Oh well, five years isn't really so long…

Les is excited. He's got his best spangly suit on and is all set for stardom. However, his euphoria soon wilts along with his collar when he discovers that he's been set up and his old mates have done a runner with his cash. Meanwhile, at the Local Shop, Tubbs also has her best clothes on, but she's trying on her old wedding dress ready for the no-tail that Edward has managed to catch. Excitedly, she's led to the boot of the car and all is revealed. So much for carrying on the family line, then….

Herr Lipp is planning a special thank you party for Justin and his friends. Only he hasn't invited the friends. He thought the boy would rather stay at home since his mother is in hospital. As he edges closer along the sofa towards the uncomfortable youngster, the door flies open and in storms an explosive German female. It's his wife and it appears that the teacher makes a habit of this kind of thing, although this fact goes over Justin's head, not speaking German. However, he gathers enough from the exchange to be unnerved, and is even more so when he then finds Herr Lipp trying to lace his coffee with drugs. He attempts to make an exit, but it's too late and he collapses with a face full of scalding coffee instead. Satisfied, Herr Lipp orders his wife to fetch a spade….

In Hilary Briss' store room, Morris and Samuel are getting edgy. There's been a health scare in Royston Vasey, and the health inspectors have been sniffing around the town. Hilary was quite confident that there was no link between the nosebleed epidemic and the special stuff…until Samuel discovered that Morris' wife Eunice had been cutting it into her paste sandwiches at the Nibble Box. Now the two men are really worried. The whole town's at risk. Well, not quite the whole town. Supplying it is one thing, consuming it is another. Someone. has to stay in control, he explains, as drops of blood begin to fall from his friends' noses…

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Episode 6 - Royston Vasey and the Monster From Hell

It's an exciting day in the Tattsyrup household. Finishing touches are being made to the bride, complete with new hairdo and Tubbs' borrowed dress, someone old is waiting stoically by the shop counter and Edward, fresh from a spot of intensive digging on the moors, enthusiastically appears with someone blue. Elsewhere on the hills, Mr Chinnery is preparing to release one of his charges back into the wild. As he makes a quick call on his mobile 'phone, his young companion lets the bird fly. Unfortunately, he fails to release the restraining leash from its leg and, flight aborted, it cremates itself on the overhead electricity cables. And they thought boy and bird were inseparable before…

Down in Royston Vasey itself, things are also amiss. The streets are crawling with military, looters are having a field day and the townsfolk are turning nasty. They want answers from Mayor Vaughan about the nosebleed epidemic and they want them now. In an attempt to divert attention, Murray makes a call to Legz Akimbo. If they can't lift public spirits, then no-one can! Always dealing with issues in a sensitive and poignant manner, Ollie and his comrades present their new play, 'No Home For Johnny'. Very apt, since half of the audience are, indeed, homeless. Undaunted by constructive criticism from the onlookers, they soldier on, dismissing annoying interruptions by selfish members of the audience and their ill-timed coughing. However, the crowd are less than impressed and, as the Mayor makes his exit, corner him outside the hall. Confidently, he assures them that there will be no more nosebleeds. Well, there won't be for him, at any rate...

The townsfolk aren't the only ones getting edgy. Hilary is explaining to the bedridden Mrs Briss that although his feelings towards her haven't changed since the day they met, he has to leave Royston Vasey. He's got grand plans, and it won't be damp and miserable where he's going. There's a booming beach barbeque industry out there, just waiting to be spiced up. Minutes later, after having burst in on Samuel and Morris frantically stuffing parcels of the special stuff on the fire, the police arrive at the butcher's shop. Scouring the premises, they finally arrive in the bedroom where they discover Hilary's wife. Nosebleeds are the least of her worries; more likely BSE…..

Charlie and Stella are having a somewhat less eventful day. Busy enjoying a heated game of Trivial Pursuit with their daughter's boyfriend, Tony, things quickly turn sour as Stella, the harpy, dismisses Charlie's attempts to get their marriage back on track. After all, how can he when she might have been sleeping around? Not wishing to implicate anyone, but Tony might be able to shed some light on the matter….

More heated exchanges at the Levenson's house, as Iris puts the world to rights. Finally pushed over the edge by her employer's constant patronisation, she reminds Judee of the fact that, far from working all hours at the carpet warehouse, Mr Levenson, in fact, shuffled off his mortal coil some eighteen years ago. Oh yes. No wonder Judee's such a bitter, deluded woman - she's clearly unhinged.

Herr Lipp is about to set off on his journey back to Duisburg. As he bids farewell to his hostess, Bobby, he stoops to check on a rather unusual feature in the front garden. Although there's no sign of the boy, the teacher just knows that Justin will be counting the hours until Herr Lipp's return next year. Also making an exit from Royston Vasey is Ben. To the Dentons' horror, the spare bedroom door has been forced. A nightmare trail of skewed-painting carnage leads from the upstairs landing down into the vivarium in the cellar. As the couple follow the trail into a new, man-sized tank, Ben appears from the shadows to present Uncle Harvey's worse-case scenario. He's holding one of the toads. In a blender. Payback time. After all, as the manual proudly proclaims, Harvey had been planning to keep Benjamin captive as some kind of pet. Well, argues his uncle, he'd have had food and comfort, what more did he want? Probably not for his cousins to threaten him with a blunderbus, that's for sure. Still, they have more pressing matters to deal with than their lodger. Ordering him to leave, they continue where Ben left off and flick the blender's switch. As their horrified parents look on, the girls close the tank door, seal the airlock and, with an air of accomplished satisfaction, retire to the sitting room.

Free at last, Ben staggers into town. Pushing through the seething mass, he follows the gaze of the angry mob. Suddenly, it all comes back to him. The shop! Misunderstanding his distress, the crowd surge up the track, intent on revenge! These shopkeepers caused the nosebleeds! They killed their families! Well, no, they didn't, actually, but no-one wants to listen to Ben any more.

Poor Tubbs and Edward. Their day has been lovely, the wedding went beautifully, and, to complete the happy event, the newly-weds have withdrawn to the bedroom to let nature take its course. Suddenly, there's a commotion outside. Annoyed at having her post-nuptial pleasure interrupted, but confident she can placate the rebels, Barbara hurries downstairs past the confused and frightened Tattsyrups. However, her reasoning falls on deaf ears and as flaming missiles hurtle in through the windows and their beloved son perishes upstairs, Tubbs and Edward make a pact to stay together and to stay local. After all, they have nothing to fear; Heaven is like Swansea, only bigger.

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